


Disce Mori

by Archadian_Skies



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 04:38:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11547630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archadian_Skies/pseuds/Archadian_Skies
Summary: Joseph Oda has been missing ever since Sebastian emerged from the depths of hell within Beacon Mental Hospital. Months later, a John Doe turns up with no idea who he is or why there's a puncture wound on his nape.





	Disce Mori

They found him the next town over, discarded like trash in a derelict warehouse. Wearing nothing but a tattered hospital gown and multiple grazes, he was thought to be an escaped psych patient and was brought in accordingly.

He couldn’t recall if he was or not, which seemed a smaller problem when compared to the realization he couldn’t even recall his name.

The staff buzzed around his bed, slotting an IV into his hand for he was incredibly dehydrated and then pressing a morphine button into his other hand for the clawing in his skull.

“Do you remember your name?” The doctor asked in that patient, kind tone probably reserved for children.

“No.” Truthfully, he hadn’t a clue. 

“What is the last thing you can remember?”

He paused for some time, trying to push aside the screaming in his head to gingerly prod his memory bank.

“Water. And feeling cold.” He replied slowly, frowning. Why was everything fuzzy around the edges? His hand moved of its own accord to his temple, a seemingly practiced gesture. “Did they find my glasses nearby?”

The doctor blinked in surprise before turning to the medical team.

“We can ask.” She nodded at one of the nurses. “For now, get some rest.”

* * *

 

“Castellanos.” Sebastian answered his trilling phone gruffly, blinking the fatigue wearily from his eyes.

_‘Detective Sebastian Castellanos?’_

“That’s me.” He stifled a yawn and rubbed his eyes.

_'I’m calling from St Christopher’s hospital. We have a John Doe here with retrograde amnesia who may be connected with you and the KCPD precinct?’_

“I’m on my way.” The air was all at once too thick to breathe, and Sebastian fumbled for his car keys and coat after hanging up. After a moment of contemplation, he dug Joseph’s spare key out of his drawer and made a detour via his apartment. Joseph would probably want clean clothes and perhaps a spare pair of glasses just in case.

Sebastian wasn’t one to tempt fate, especially not after stumbling out of Beacon Mental Hospital three colleagues down, but the sickening weight in his stomach couldn’t quell that small spark of hope.

* * *

 

The nurse was a kind, matronly woman who checked in on him often and had a gentle bedside manner. It had been two days since they’d found him and he was no closer to finding out who he was and why they had found him where they had.

“Sir,” she offered him a clipboard and pen, “sign here please.”

“Sure.” He took the pen without hesitation, and his hand scribbled something mechanically. Blinking in surprise, he stared at his hand and the signature on the paper as though they were foreign objects.

“Muscle memory can help fill in the blanks where your mind can’t.” She smiled, peeking over at the signature. “What does that say? J? O-? Jos-”

“Joseph.” He tried to name slowly on his tongue, and though it wasn’t a familiar taste, he liked having any name over not having a name at all. “Joseph O." 

"It’s nice to meet you, Joseph O.” The nurse laughed softly, and Joseph couldn’t help but smile.

* * *

 

A dirty, worn notebook was offered to him and the tiny spark of hope flared a little brighter.

“He was holding onto this when he was found.” The doctor explained, and Sebastian flipped through its pages only to find nothing. “It looks like several pages were torn out, but we did find a photo of you.”

His own face stared back at him in the form of photograph slotted in the flipside of the cover. Why would Joseph have a photo of him?

“One of the temp nurses recognized you. Said she’d worked with your team on a case concerning Beacon Mental Hospital?”

Sebastian felt his blood run cold. “What was her name?”

“I’m afraid I can’t recall off the top of my head. She was only on rotation with us for a week and she’s already left.” The doctor shook her head, expression apologetic.

“Did she wear a red cardigan?”

“As a matter of a fact she did.”

He closed his eyes, reining in the bubbling feeling of unease in his stomach and the chill up his spine. 

“Is Joseph alright? Can I see him?”

“Yes. Aside from dehydration, some bruising and superficial wounds, he’s doing very well.” The doctor motioned for him to follow as she made her way down one of the corridors. “The only thing we can’t explain is a strange puncture wound on his nape.”

As if by command, Sebastian reached behind his head and slid his fingers over the same mark on his nape. He felt unusually cold, as though his skin prickled at an unseen touch.

“What about gunshot wounds?”

“None.” The doctor replied. “Just bruising of various degrees mostly on his torso. Right this way, Detective, he’s just in there.”

* * *

 

The man seemed to fill the door frame with his imposing build.

“Joseph!” He rushed to him, clasping both shoulders tightly with his large hands. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” He nodded, shrinking a little away from his touch. “Do I know you?”

“It’s me, Sebastian! Sebastian Castellanos? I’m-” He tripped over his words, yet to break eye contact with him. “Joseph don’t you remember me?”

“I’m afraid I only learned my name a few hours ago.” Joseph ducked his head apologetically. “I apologize for not recognizing you but I can’t even recognize myself.”

“Okay. Okay, uh-” Sebastian stood back, looking this way and that, hand rubbing his nape as he began to pace. “Alright. I’ll call your folks in Canada-”

“I’m Canadian?”

“Yeah. Your folks are in Toronto.” The man pulled up the chair by his bedside and sat on it with a sigh. “You, uh- uhm. You moved to America after college, but you grew up in Toronto.”

“Toronto.” Joseph echoed, frowning. “That’s a fairly big move.”

“Not as big as the one your parents made, all the way from Japan." Sebastian quirked a smile as Joseph’s brows rose.

"I’m Japanese?”

“Yeah. Joseph Jotaro Oda.”

He mouthed the names, making the shapes with his lips and trying to replicate the syllables. “Do I have other family?”

“An older sister. Married with three kids- two nieces and a nephew. She lives in Japan but sometimes she and her family fly over for Christmas. ” Sebastian informed him, pacing slow so he could absorb the information. “Your father’s parents are still alive, and your mother’s mother is still alive, also back in Japan.”

Joseph nodded, taking each puzzle piece offered to him gratefully along with a plain pair of spectacles he was told were his spare. “So what happens now?”

“Now…now I guess you stay with me until your folks get here.”

“Alright.”

* * *

 

What should have been familiar sights, sounds and smells could not have felt more foreign to him as he sat in the passenger seat of Sebastian’s car. The radio was on, a woman and a man bantering pleasantly between rattling off bits of news. It was raining, the roads slick and the air chilly, causing Joseph to tug his borrowed coat tighter around his body.

It was a worn camel-colored trenchcoat that smelled of cigarettes and leather and whiskey, but for some reason felt as comforting as a blanket.

“How do you know me?” Joseph asked, looking at him as they pulled to a stop at a red light.

“We’re partners.”

“Oh.” That’s why he treated him with such familiarity. “How long have we been partners?”

“Almost a decade now, buddy.” Sebastian smiled tiredly, eyes flicking briefly to meet his before they focused on the road as the lights turned green.

“How did we meet?” Joseph pried, hoping he would be in a talkative mood now.

“At work of course.” The gloomy rainclouds were darkening further as the onset of night settled in, and the streetlamps cast sharp bursts of light against Sebastian’s profile. He was very handsome, Joseph realised, and he wondered-

“How did we fall in love?”

“What? We’re not- you’ve got it all - no, it’s-” Sebastian sputtered, gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles blanched. “We’re not life partners or anything like that, Joseph. We’re detectives. Partners on the force.”

“Oh.” Why did that seem to hurt so much? “We’re not in love?”

Sebastian pressed his lips into a tight line as he shook his head.

“I have your picture in my notebook.” Joseph ran his fingers across the worn leather cover before opening it and tracing the fading photograph. “Why?”

“Maybe just in case something like this happened?” Sebastian offered, but it presented as a weak argument. If anything it should have been his own photo inside, for identification purposes.

_Maybe I loved you and you just didn’t know._

* * *

 

Joseph stood in front of the mantle, inspecting each and every photograph in the hopes something would jolt his memory. There were several of a striking woman with a strong, beautiful face and a little girl with wavy hair and rosy cheeks. He was in several of the photos too, and for the umpteenth time he wracked his memories for any trace of familiarity.

“Spare room’s ready, Joseph.” Sebastian informed him, and he turned just as Sebastian crossed the lounge to stand beside him.

“Your wife and daughter?” Why weren’t there any signs of them in the house? Maybe divorced with joint custody?

“Yeah. Myra and Lily.” His voice was gruff, and he cleared his throat with a soft cough. “New towel’s in the bathroom if you want a shower before dinner.”

“Myra and Lily.” Joseph repeated, trying to burn their faces into his mind so he wouldn’t forget them a second time. “Where do they live?”

“I’m gonna get started on dinner.” Sebastian declared abruptly, walking briskly into the kitchen and leaving Joseph to stand there blankly.

* * *

 

Even with the heater on, Joseph felt unbearably cold as he stripped off in the bathroom. His head felt stuffy with all the new information he had been given, and there was still a faint yet persistent electronic whine rattling in his skull.

The hot water felt like a blessing on his skin as he stood under the shower and tried to scrub away the unease crawling in his skin. A few drops of red splattered at his toes, and Joseph frowned. The back of his throat tasted like blood, and he gingerly wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

Blood smeared across his skin, and the faint whining in his ears grew in volume and intensity until he wanted to claw his skull apart to silence it. He fell to his knees, screaming as he clutched his head.

_Sunflowers fire house farm blood barbed wire hospital wheelchair lobotomy live dissection traps tripwires church chandelier syringe guns monsters screaming fire fire fire water choking drowning killing death-_

Images flickered behind his eyelids as he continued to scream in agony, and faintly he could hear Sebastian pounding against the door, shouting his name. Blood continued to drip from his nose, pinking the water as it swirled down the drain. His sight was cloudy and dark and no matter how many times he blinked he could still see the barrage of images as though they’d been seared into his retinas.

The splintering of wood and the dull thud of the door as it burst open startled him, and Joseph managed to look up just as Sebastian gathered him into his arms.

“Hey, I’ve got you Joseph.” He held him tightly, the shower drenching his clothes going unheeded as he rubbed his back and hushed him. “It’s okay, I’m right here, I’m right here.”

Joseph choked back a sob, burying his face in Sebastian’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around him. His hand by chance brushed Sebastian’s nape, and he felt the same puckered scar tissue like the one on his own neck. He hesitantly traced the puncture wound, and felt Sebastian do the same to him.

“What happened to us?”

“We got dragged into hell and managed to claw our way out.” Reaching up, Sebastian turned off the shower before reaching for a towel. He kept one arm firmly wrapped around Joseph, and Joseph clung to him as though he were a lifeline.

“I saw- I saw such  _terrible_  things.” Squeezing his eyes shut, Joseph tightened his grip around Sebastian. “So much blood and pain and fire and then I was drowning and-”

“I’ve got you, Joseph, I’ve got you. We’re never going back there ever again.” Sebastian vowed firmly, draping the towel around Joseph and helping him up after a few moments. He thumbed under his eyes, smudging away the last few exhausted, panicked tears. “I’m not gonna lose you again.”

“I saw you.” Joseph whispered, feeling the sting of more tears in his eyes. “I was in a church and you were there. And a man in a tattered hood and-”

“C'mon. Let’s get you dry and dressed. I’ve made us dinner, hm? Best to get some food into you.” Sebastian forcibly interrupted, steering him away from that line of conversation. “Let’s eat before it gets cold.”

* * *

 

There were so many faces flashing before his eyes, and no names attached to them. Joseph couldn’t stand the darkness, so he left the bedside lamp on as he curled beneath the sheets and tried to sleep.

Strangers and beasts and mutilated corpses that still somehow moved. Crumbling, derelict surroundings with mismatched architecture and anachronistic technological advances. None of it made sense, none of it fit the life of a detective in Krimson City.

Wrapping the quilt around himself and sliding his glasses back on, Joseph quietly padded into the living area. Sebastian was still awake, flopped on the couch with the television on low.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He smiled sympathetically. Joseph nodded, sitting beside him and drawing his knees to his chest. After a moment he leaned over, resting his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. The man slowly slid an arm around his waist, securing him to his side.

“I’ll take you to your apartment tomorrow before I go to work. Maybe that will help your memories?” Sebastian suggested hopefully. “I’ll check in on you at lunch, okay?”

“Okay.” He replied softly, closing his eyes tiredly. A gentle touch slowly plucked the glasses from his face, though Joseph kept his eyes closed. Somehow Sebastian made him feel safe, made the piercing whine in his head dull and quieten into a bearable hum.

“We’ll get through this, Joseph, I promise.”

“Alright Seb.” The name slipped off his tongue without a thought, and a jolt of recognition electrified his mind. Sebastian chuckled softly, squeezing him close.

“That’s right, I’m Seb.”

He fell asleep tucked at his side with a smile.

* * *

 

There was nothing familiar about the apartment at all, and all he could glean from it was that he was an orderly, neat person. Everything had its proper place, from the books to the yoga mat in the corner. The home office had folders lined up in shelves, and stationery in the drawers of the large mahogany desk.

Framed photographs hung on some of the walls, all the faces smiling, all the faces foreign. He guessed they would have been his family, and Sebastian showed up in some of them too.

There was a knock on the door, and he opened it up to reveal a courier holding a small package.

“Mr Joseph Oda?” She asked, looking at him as if studying a specimen.

“That’s me.” He nodded, unable to suppress a shiver of discomfort.

“Sign here, please.” The young woman offered him a small handheld device, their fingers brushing briefly when she passed him the stylus.

His hand scribbled the signature without him even having to think about it, and the courier exchanged the device with the package.

“Have a good day, Joseph.” A polite smile and a nod before he closed the front door and retreated back inside his apartment.

The package was a plain padded envelope, but it was stamped with a logo of some sort. [Three stars arranged from smallest to largest, with a hooked line beside it.](http://josephgoda.tumblr.com/post/104618690952/we-are-mobius) He didn’t recognize it, but to be fair he didn’t recognize much recently.

Inside were a pair of black framed glasses, the lenses filthy but intact, as well as black leather gloves and a police badge. Digging through his office desk, he procured a lens cloth and solution, cleaning the glasses thoroughly before swapping them with the simple stainless steel ones he currently wore.

The light weight of the plastic, and the lack of nose pads somehow felt familiar to him, and he breathed a sigh of relief. The gloves were made of fine, handstitched leather judging by the craftsmanship and after inspecting them he set them aside in favour of picking up the badge.

An eagle crowned three stars spread over a larger star and the emblazoned word 'POLICE’. Joseph ran his thumb over the shapes, turning over the badge to repeat it on the other side. His thumb caught the pointy end of the pin, and he sucked in his breath sharply at the pinch of pain.

The familiar, coppery metallic taste of blood slipped down the back of his throat, and red droplets splattered atop the badge. Cursing silently, Joseph pinched his nose and tilted his head back, swallowing the nosebleed and wincing at the taste.

_Monster monster monster you are a failure a monster a killer a cannibal you claim you love him but you tried to kill him you wrapped your hands around his neck you’re no better no better not useful unwanted insane kill him kill him kill him-_

Joseph collapsed under the barrage of flickering images and welcomed the oncoming darkness.

* * *

 

“Joseph? Joseph! C'mon! Wake up!”

Sebastian’s anxious face looked down at him with worry before melting into relief as Joseph groaned against the bright light.

“Hey partner, easy does it.” He gently helped him into a sitting position, and Joseph coughed the last of the blood from his throat.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Sebastian shook his head. “I came by with takeout for lunch and found you passed out with blood down your face.”

“I just- I just pricked my finger on this police badge and then my nose started bleeding and then I saw all these things and heard this voice-” Joseph cradled his aching head, leaning heavily against Sebastian as the man reached over and picked up the discarded packaging.

“How did you get this?”

“A courier came by.” That much he could remember. “I signed for the package and she left.”

“She? What did she look like? Did she wear glasses and dark lipstick? Long hair in a ponytail?” Sebastian demanded, gripping his shoulders tightly.

“No.” He shook his head. “Young woman with short brown hair and really strange blue eyes. They looked almost purple. Ow, Seb-!” Joseph winced as Sebastian’s grip tightened into a vice.

“Sorry.” He apologized through gritted teeth, releasing him before helping him back up.

“I saw more memories of that place. A derelict hospital. Monsters.” Joseph turned, back facing Sebastian as he wrung his hands nervously. “Me. I saw me, and you again. I tried to kill you.”

“But you didn’t, because you fought it and you won.” Sebastian said firmly, reaching out and clapping him on the shoulder. “You were stronger than that illness, Joseph. You still are.”

“What if I’m not? What if I’m just broken for the rest of my life?!” Joseph pivoted to face him, frustration boiling his blood. “What if I never remember? What if I never go back to the Joseph you know?!”

“Then I guess we just start over.” Sebastian offered a crooked grin. “Joseph Oda was my best friend and a hell of a good detective. Great at his job and kept me in line. We balanced each other out. He was kind and smart and selfless. Joseph Oda was the only one who believed in me enough to pull me out of the darkness when I thought life wasn’t worth living.”

Joseph felt his eyes sting with tears and he was so tired of crying, so tired of the ache in his lungs and the blank spots in his memory.

“He was right there when I buried my daughter. Right there when my wife disappeared and I tried to drown myself in alcohol. . Right there when the rookie detective was assigned to me and right there when we answered that distress call at Beacon Mental Hospital.” Sebastian grasped his arms. “He also eats dried seaweed on buttered toast in the mornings, which never really sat well with me.”

Joseph laughed despite the tears in his eyes, and he leaned forward, resting his brow against Sebastian’s chest as the man wrapped him in a tight embrace.

“We can start over.” He murmured into his hair. “It’s alright if you’re not that Joseph. You don’t have to be him. Just be you.”

“Joseph loved you.” His voice was muffled in Sebastian’s shirt. “He must have loved you so much but he never told you.”

Sebastian said nothing, and Joseph bunched his hands in his shirt.

“You asked me something, when I was driving you from the hospital.” He said, after a long pause. “You asked me-”

“How did we fall in love?”

“Slowly. Little by little, every day.” Sebastian ran his fingers over the puncture wound in the back of Joseph’s neck, and Joseph reached up to do the same to him. “And then one day I realized that I couldn’t imagine my life without you, but I was so scared of losing you that I never told you.”

“And then you lost him. I’m poor compensation, I’m sorry.” Joseph apologized, chest aching. “I’m sorry I’m not him.”

“Even if you can’t remember, you’re still Joseph. I’m still glad you’re alive and we’ll get though this, I promise. One thing at a time.”

“Little by little?” Joseph asked, voice inflected with hope.

“Every day.” Sebastian smiled, and Joseph didn’t believe in any god but he did believe in him.


End file.
